I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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