Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize