shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
