His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
