I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
