There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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