Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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