I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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