i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
