At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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