Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The power of my boobs compel you
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
