I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
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