Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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