my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
