i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
