did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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