We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize