My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
