peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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