My sheets look like a crime scene.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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