i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
