Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
