I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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