I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
