Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
