I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
being pregnant is like rehab
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Randomize
