I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
