her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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