Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
