I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
