yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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