How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just high enough for therapy.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
