Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
