You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
