She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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