I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
