Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
