The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize