ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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