quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
