Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
