By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
