He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
