peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
