He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
