yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
