Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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