Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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