dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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