Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
