We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
