I accidentally burped into my bong.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize