I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize