i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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