my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
