Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
