I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize