Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Someone signed my nipple.
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