im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
