Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize