Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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