What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
