Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
