I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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