I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize