I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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