Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
