I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize