Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
