atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
