some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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