wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
